I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
