Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
