Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
