i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
