Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
