I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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