why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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