im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
