Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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