I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
