Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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