I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
