Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
