A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she peed on how many people?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
