I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
