I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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