I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
