While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
