just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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