so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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