Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize