3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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