I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
