I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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