You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
