just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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