his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
