I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
