I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
