It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
