I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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