accomplished twins. life is a go
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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