we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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