I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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