if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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