I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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