he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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