i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
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Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
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I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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