so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
