I wish I could punch you in the face.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
