Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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