I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
