(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
