apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
