It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
