We're facebook friends in real life
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
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Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
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The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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