she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
