mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
