You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
