And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
