My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
