I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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