he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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