The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
